Thursday, January 31, 2013

A Confessional, At Its Best

A Confessional, At Its Best

Too much information:  If you are one that likes to limit the information highway from those you know best; well, consider this my fair warning.  Close this page immediately, as you are about to be thrown some facts you wish you may not have encroached upon.  (I dare you to look me in the eye hereinafter this piece.)

One gloomy morning on the ride to school, my son, with a ginormous smirk on his face, turns to me and says, “Momma, did you know when you were sleeping you let out a giant fart?”

Crickets.  Crickets.  Crickets.

Yes, I was momentarily embarrassed as I try diligently to keep my bodily functions to myself (and within the confines of my home walls where it’s safe).  I joked, I kidded and I tried to pass blame, “Well, how do you know it wasn’t dad?!?” I implored eagerly, hoping to cause flatulent confusion within my brilliant twelve year old boy.

“Mom.  Dad was already gone for work.  And before you say it, Reece CANNNNNNOT fart like that.”

Caught.  Red-handed.  Guilty as charged for having NORMAL bodily functions.

WAIT A MINUTE!!!!  Hold on.  Slow down and let me get my panties out of a bunch right here.

You see, my husband, like another other man, can root and toot and blow noxious green methane butt clouds almost to the tune of the alphabet!  But, <ACK>, the horror, if a woman, say a gal like me,  should squeak a melodic sphincter note or two .  Sounds quite like a double standard to me!

I have been with my husband for nearly 22 years and married for almost 17 of those years.  I am comfortable having to release in front of him.  I try not to, but if I have to, then so be it.  I would hope that my other over-achieving qualities that shine eminently from me on a daily basis would give me an Out of Jail free card for the occasional black bean inspired anal music I may produce.

Not everyone feels the same.  My sister-in-law still has yet to fart in front of her husband.  She’s been with this guy the same amount of time as I have been with my guy.  Yikes.  I get colonic spasms just thinking of holding in the magical fruit gas. 

Come on!  EVERYBODY FARTS!  The average is 19 farts a day!  Yes, people – it’s true (thanks to google).  I do not think women fart 19 times a day, but that can be a scientific study for another time.

Have no fear; I will never fart in your presence.  I will have my manners and excuse myself to the ladies room to “powder my nose” (and pray and hope that it is a silent one, so I do not have to hang out until the restroom vacates – I would NOT want to give away the identity of my anal rendition of Beethoven’s Fifth).

Never fear, I am also equipped to remain absolutely silent if one has an escapee in public.  After all, isn’t it “you smelt it, you dealt it?”
Stop giggling.  Stop shaking your head in denial and saying, "Oh noooo, not me!"  Free the farts.

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