Tuesday, February 26, 2013

"I'll Never Be the Person That I Thought I'd Be"

I was listening to music on Thursday after getting some news about a job I didn't apply for... 

Well, I got it. 

As I was on the phone listening to the Assistant Principal talking about this job I had not known about, little comfort in, skeptical desire for, I kept shaking my head no. I wondered if she could hear the scratching noises my hair was making during my tight, repetitive head shakes as she went on. Then there was a silence and I figured it was my turn to speak. I opened my mouth and the words "Yes, if you are offering me that job, then I will take it." came out. I looked around startled. 
Who said that? 

I needed a "Den Talk" with my dad. He used to bring us in there for serious discussions that created a huge knot in the colon and flame in the belly. I called the apartment and got my mom. We had one of our "Kitchen Talks". The usual- get real, you can do it, well then don't do it, well then stop complaining type of chat.

Mom asked me what grades it was for. I told her 6th, 7th, 8th. Also known as Worst. Years. Ever. when it came to my life growing up. Those were the years of the most teasing, the biggest weight gain, the greatest confusion in school. I was in an educational hole, falling continuously behind in a challenging school. Those were the years when everything was absolute crap. Those were the years of my dad helping me through terrible Sunday nights.

"Oooh. 6th grade. The girls can be so mean!" my mom seethed out, remembering the turmoil of the time.

"Why did I say yes, Mom?"

"Because you are a good girl."


"Well, why do you think you took it?"

"I told the Assistant Principal that I am 40 and it is time to get out of my comfort zone."

"Good girl!" (Yes, the praise is like I am 9, but it still works, people.)

"I don't even know the difference between 8th grade math and Japanese."

"I wonder if you will be great at this?" she said, thinking out loud to herself.


"Maybe you know exactly who these kids are and you will help them."


"You aren't in 6th or 7th grade anymore, Kate. Maybe you will reach them and you will change them because you will get them. They need you."

"Hm." Reflexive kick of the wall I was near. "Maybe." said grudgingly. 

But I felt lighter.

"Maybe you were supposed to be this and you didn't know." Mom added.

"Yeah. Maybe..."


And that all got me thinking that maybe I just assumed what I was doing with my life is what I am supposed to be doing with my life. Maybe I don't know what is best for me, but need life to throw me the curve so I can experience something I would have otherwise avoided. I am not saying this is some Lifetime movie, Stand and Deliver, Lean on Me kind of thing. In my gut I feel like the little kids in my own little classroom is where I am supposed to be. But here is an appetizer sized experience with something different than that and I will try it out. It could lead to a position I want next year, or it could lead to a second Masters in Education and wouldn't that be (exhausting) amazing? Because who the hell knows what I am meant to be? I am a teacher, of that I am certain. But there are so many different types of teachers. Maybe, in my life, I will be more than the one kind of teacher that I thought I'd be. 

Or maybe I will just be amazed at myself for stepping outside my womby box.

So the reason I brought up the music I was listening to in the beginning of this entry was that a pal introduced me to the music of Amanda Palmer. This song came on and inspired me to write about this experience. I will tell you that the video is kind of raw so I went with the still shot of her cute belly. I wanted to share the song and the lyrics. It is way more deep and encompassing than what I experienced, but the words also touch on so many of our Curvies' posts that I was compelled to share. Enjoy.

In my mind
In a future five years from now
I'm one hundred and twenty pounds
And I never get hung over
Because I will be the picture of discipline
Never minding what state I'm in
And I will be someone I admire
And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how to see
That I am not exactly the person that I thought I'd be

And in my mind
In the faraway here and now
I've become in control somehow
And I never lose my wallet
Because I will be the picture of of discipline
Never fucking up anything
And I'll be a good defensive driver
And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how to see
That I'll never be the person that I thought I'd be

And in my mind
When I'm old I am beautiful
Planting tulips and vegetables
Which I will mindfully watch over
Not like me now
I'm so busy with everything
That I don't look at anything
But I'm sure I'll look when I am older
And it's funny how I imagined
That I could be that person now
But that's not what I want
But that's what I wanted
And I'd be giving up somehow
How strange to see
That I don't wanna be the person that I want to be

And in my mind
I imagine so many things
Things that aren't really happening
And when they put me in the ground
I'll start pounding the lid
Saying I haven't finished yet
I still have a tattoo to get
That says I'm living in the moment
And it's funny how I imagined
That I could win this win-less fight
But maybe it isn't all that funny
That I've been fighting all my life
But maybe I have to think it's funny
If I wanna live before I die
And maybe it's funniest of all
To think I'll die before I actually see
That I am exactly the person that I want to be

Fuck yes
I am exactly the person that I want to be

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