Wednesday, May 9, 2012

The Whole Truth

My beautiful friend Joan recently made me a necklace after spending a few days together in Woodstock NY. She stamps gorgeous silver jewelry and she bought me a charm at a little shop. It looks like a cross between a violin and a guitar but to us it’s a guitar because Joan, even though she has never heard me play my music, knows how much that damn guitar means to me.
Pick a word, she texted, to go with your necklace. Create? Laugh? Play? All good words to capture my essence. I like all those things, nearly as much as I like the fact that she even considered making me a handmade gift.
But the word I chose instead embodies the very core of me – TRUTH.
Sometimes I wish I were a bit more inclined to bullshit people. I can’t fake feelings, and false words stop just short of my mouth, lodging firmly in my throat and often causing it to swell and become sore. So I no longer bother with telling lies, and most of my friends know not to ask for my opinion should they want anything short of the God’s honest truth as I see it.
And so, what this all leads up to, is that I just don’t have it in me to lie to you today.
I am having one of those no good very bad fat cow roly poly days where self-acceptance is as foreign a concept as calculus and what the hell my sister does for a living.
Have I gained weight since feeling awesome and amazing? No. And I certainly haven’t lost any. Have my eating habits veered off track? Not so much but maybe a little. Certainly not commensurate with the way I feel about myself.
So you would think I could come here to Curvy Girl and do some cheerleading and maybe even lift my own self up a bit, but I just can’t. It’s not me. I tell the truth.
I am having a fat day, which are days just as sure to descend upon me as bad hair days, and today I just don’t feel like accepting this. Today I want to pretend that a few weeks of veganism and p90x are going to set me on the path to being 5’10’ and sinewy and lean. I want to pretend that it is all in my control.
I don’t want the curves today. Tomorrow will be better, and pretty soon my mojo will have returned 100%, leaving me criminally confident and ready to take names. But today is one of those days -- where I feel as though I am rolling out the door and down the stairs. Body dysmorphia, what a fickle friend you are you sunuvabitch.

But maybe that little piece of truth resonates just a little bit with you, and maybe you needed to hear the truth. Maybe sugar coating contains high fructose corn syrup, but when I am sweet it is pure and natural.
And today, my friends, just isn’t going to be one of those days.

6 comments:

  1. Oh yeah. I hear that. Thankfully, when you are feeling less than stellar, your appearance doesn't change- thus we still get to see the lovely you.

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  2. I'm glad I'm not the only one. I'm also glad it's a cycle and we do seem to get out of it on a regular basis, despite the ugly thoughts that come on the downswing. Like Kate, I agree - your appearance does not change when your mood does. <3

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  3. Wow! Bowled over by the power and honesty of your words, Mandy. I heard your voice in my head as I was reading. You always keep it so real, which is what I love most about you. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.

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  4. Thanks Frank (and curvies!)

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  5. Thanks Frank (and curvies!)

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  6. Thanks Frank (and curvies!)

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