A conversation, both real and imagined
Trainer: Amanda. Welcome to the gym and good job showing up for your complimentary personal fitness consultation. It will be very un-complimentary.
Me: As long as I don’t have to step on the scale, I’m cool.
Trainer: Ok, let’s get you on the scale.
Me: Oh goodie, that’s my favorite thing to do in front of other people.
Trainer: Oh please! It's just you and me! Here, just (I get on the scale) oh. Ok.
Trainer: So, yeah. Well, you carry it well.
Me: Thanks. Bitch.
Trainer: What are your goals here?
Me: Be active with my family. Maybe make some new friends. Swim.
Trainer: And were you hoping to lose weight?
Me: I guess? Actually, I didn’t really care much about losing weight until you brought it up.
Trainer: You weigh too much. [awkward silence] So why are you overweight?
Me. Ouch. Well, I don’t really know. I love to exercise, I eat really well.
Trainer: Well, it’s something.
Me: Yeah, I just don’t know what.
Trainer: Maybe you eat too much.
Me: Yeah, I guess. Maybe. But I eat an almost completely vegan diet, very little gluten but plenty of whole grains. Minimal sugar. Too much booze. Which, frankly, is a coping mechanism for events like this one right here.
Trainer: How is that working out for you?
Me: How’s your smug attitude working out for you? Not so well, I suppose. But you seem to have more of a problem with it than I do.
Trainer: Look, you weigh too much.
Me: I HEARD YOU, BLONDIE! Wanna say it 5 more times so I can drive my car into a tree on the way home?
Trainer: Let’s measure you.
Me: Oh fantastic! Even better than the scale – the tape measure.
Me: What’s “hmmm”?
Trainer: You actually aren’t that big. And you are very muscular. And you have a very proportionate figure. An hourglass.
Me. Uh, thanks? God, you suck so bad right now.
Trainer: And you passed the fitness test with flying colors – great flexibility, stamina, endurance. You just weigh too much.
Me: Got that. Thanks. Maybe you could stop saying that?
Trainer: Just keep up what you are doing with your exercise. And try to eat less.
Me: Eat less. Awesome. Thanks, Einstein. This has been MOST helpful. I will go ahead and do that. Well, ok. Thanks for all your…help? Suck it.