A letter to Self

Dear Kate,
Hi! How am I? I am doing well. Can I believe it has taken me to 39 years to feel I am doing well? No, I am right, this has not been the only time I have felt this way. I felt pretty awesome from around 20-28, too. But then there was that whole TIME between then and now that was hard. Not all bad, though. Remember walking the Golden Gate Bridge? Great get aways with friends? And the babies. All the beautiful babies. I make them all awesome and cute, but SO done with that.


Anyhoooooooo. I just wanted to write myself to say it is great to see me smile again. Yes, there is still crap going on. Old crap, new crap....but through that crap!!! I am feeling pretty good about myself. I had always heard about life being great in one's 40s on all those talk shows. I find it believable now, don't I? I do. Because 39 isn't bad. I can see stuff getting better.


I think it was great to head back to the old campus again this weekend. Wasn't that a great play? Uncommon Women and Others? So enjoyable to see these young versions of myself and my friends on stage. Assessing life, themselves, their sexuality, their futures, their friendships. And then we all went and talked to the now versions of ourselves at a bar afterwards. Surrounded by all these great women I went to college with. Some coming out of the parenting haze. Some maybe ready to enter that time. Those who choose not to. ALL awesome. Some highly successful. Some bopping along and doing just fine. Some choosing a whole new career. Some feeling they have no career. ALL awesome. I loved having conversations about farming. And then the conversation about traditional versus non traditional approaches to different things in life. The wonderment of how people know what the hell they are doing in jobs I didn't even know existed nor can follow what those jobs actually are or entail. How do people know this stuff?


Remember when I was asked what I do and I paused because I wasn't sure what I do? And then remember what didn't happen? I didn't sweat it nor stumble over it. I smiled and said "Getting back into teaching with subbing". Remember not feeling judged? That was nice. It sucks when I feel judged. And the person who judges me most was even there! At that bar! ME!!!! And I didn't judge myself once. I rock.


Remember the conversation about weight and hating how I look? No. Because it didn't happen. I did talk about fitness a bit and had a great conversation about local foods/ organic foods/ back to basics foods, but it had nothing to do with how it makes any of us lose weight. I am so sick of talking about that sometimes. Sometimes.


I don't know. I just had such a great time with all these women and just wanted to thank myself for feeling good. Thank the women who surrounded me for contributing to my feeling good. I do go on and on about my Alma Mater, but only because it is an awesome place. But more, it is almost like an awesome person who throws the best dinner parties with the best guests. I always leave feeling better, smarter, energized, wistful, and a little sad to be leaving my sisters. They remind me of who I am. I lose sight of it sometimes in the day to day role of mom, wife, daughter...I know who I am deep inside and this time shakes it to the surface again. A reminder. It isn't about the woman in the mirror trying on (GOOD LORD) bathing suits. It is the woman I see in my mind and feel in my heart, no mirror required.


I will talk to you soon. I really should talk to myself more...keep in touch better. If I am going to the mall, call myself. If I am having a bad day, let myself know and I will remind myself that I am having a bad day, but that is no reflection on who I am. I will support me.
           
                                                            Lots of Love.
                                                                        Me Myself I