Wednesday, May 23, 2012

what you might refer to as a bad day

A conversation, both real and imagined

Trainer: Amanda. Welcome to the gym and good job showing up for your complimentary personal fitness consultation. It will be very un-complimentary.

Me: As long as I don’t have to step on the scale, I’m cool.

Trainer: Ok, let’s get you on the scale.

Me: Oh goodie, that’s my favorite thing to do in front of other people.

Trainer: Oh please! It's just you and me! Here, just (I get on the scale) oh. Ok.

Me: Yeah.

Trainer: So, yeah. Well, you carry it well.

Me: Thanks. Bitch.

Trainer: What are your goals here?

Me: Be active with my family. Maybe make some new friends. Swim.

Trainer: And were you hoping to lose weight?

Me: I guess? Actually, I didn’t really care much about losing weight until you brought it up.

Trainer: You weigh too much. [awkward silence] So why are you overweight?

Me. Ouch. Well, I don’t really know. I love to exercise, I eat really well.

Trainer: Well, it’s something.

Me: Yeah, I just don’t know what.

Trainer: Maybe you eat too much.

Me: Yeah, I guess. Maybe. But I eat an almost completely vegan diet, very little gluten but plenty of whole grains. Minimal sugar. Too much booze. Which, frankly, is a coping mechanism for events like this one right here.

Trainer: How is that working out for you?

Me: How’s your smug attitude working out for you?  Not so well, I suppose. But you seem to have more of a problem with it than I do.

Trainer: Look, you weigh too much.

Me: I HEARD YOU, BLONDIE! Wanna say it 5 more times so I can drive my car into a tree on the way home?

Trainer: Let’s measure you.

Me: Oh fantastic! Even better than the scale – the tape measure.

Trainer: Hmmm.

Me: What’s “hmmm”?

Trainer: You actually aren’t that big. And you are very muscular. And you have a very proportionate figure. An hourglass.

Me. Uh, thanks? God, you suck so bad right now.

Trainer: And you passed the fitness test with flying colors – great flexibility, stamina, endurance. You just weigh too much.

Me: Got that. Thanks. Maybe you could stop saying that?

Trainer: Just keep up what you are doing with your exercise. And try to eat less.

Me: Eat less. Awesome. Thanks, Einstein. This has been MOST helpful. I will go ahead and do that. Well, ok. Thanks for all your…help?  Suck it.


  1. SUCKITTT!!!!!!!!!
    I am behind you, kicking in the locker room door Kool-Aid style and my tag line is "SUCK-ITTTT!"

  2. When she said 'you weigh too much' I think she meant "you're perfect'. She was so super jealous.

  3. What the hell gym was this?! I don't eat a vegan or even vegetarian diet, weigh WAY too much according to my blunt (and slightly overweight dr) and my trainer NEVER talks to me like that. She encourages me, motivates me and always focuses on my successes. Even when I have a bad weigh in or don't lose much in measurements, she is always trying to build me up so I don't lose my drive. A trainer, in my eyes, is supposed to do just that. Sometimes I think she could push me a bit more, but when I think I can do more or want to try, I ask....and he gives...with a smile. And when I struggle or she's killing me, I tell her (outloud to her face) to f off. She laughs, I laugh and we go from there. :)

    1. Overweight? Over what weight?!? You are healthy! Embrace it!