I have been so many different versions of me in my 41 years. I am sure you can relate on some level. I’m on a journey and I wonder if you are too and maybe you’d like to walk with me.
When I was really young I was into my Barbie dolls and eating Rice Krispies with my Grandpa on Saturday mornings.
I found refuge in books, probably the only thing that has stayed constant in my life.
As I grew my identity got wrapped up in outside things.
I was a Brownie,
Scared, abused child
Rape victim survivor
Sexy, Ugly, Fat, Not As Fat, Fluffy, Angry
Mother (3 times over)
Cook, Nurse, Peacekeeper, Maid, Jailor
But I am seldom Wendy. I had a glimpse of her back in…yeah, the year isn’t important, I’m old and that’s enough you young whippersnapper.
I don’t think I ever really knew me, and I want to because the glimpse of me I had was of someone I kind of liked.
I might be trying to figure out who I am but there are some things I do know.
I am not always open but I am real. I’m not comfortable pretending to be something that I am sure I’m not. I won’t bullshit you and tell you I think or believe something I don’t. I will however be kind about the things we differ on. I wont tell you your cooking smells bad but I might not eat your food.
I feel more comfortable in the pages of a book then in a room full of people, unless there is a copious amount of booze, then I am able to relax and you can see me peeking out of this shell, if you look closely. Don’t worry; I don’t have a drinking problem.
I have a potty mouth. I like the word fuck and use it often. I have tattoos and want more. I like to sing loudly and badly to my favorite songs and I seem to be stuck in the 90’s.
I lose my shit with kids sometimes and yell. It has humbled me and taught me about the necessity of owning your actions and apologizing, sincerely, when you fuck up. But, I am a good mother and do my best and love them and laugh with them and teach them and hold them always even when I have to let them go.
I push myself really hard, unreasonably so and it makes me feel stressed and short-tempered. This is really evident when we talk about my schoolwork.
But I can be your best friend; I am loyal to those who allow me to feel safe and will defend you with every ounce of my being.
I am quick to love and slow to leave.
I am a square peg in a world of round holes. I thought I wanted to fit in and now I think I don’t, I just want to be welcomed in, as I am, pointy corners and all.
Oh, and eat Rice Krispies with my kids on Saturdays.
Because the someone I used to know that I am hung up on is ME.