Big Moments. Small Moments.

Big moments.  Small Moments.  And Everything In Between.

Since my post Fly Free last week, I have been really focusing on moments - you know, the moments in our lives that we tend to lose focus of.......the certain things we take for granted as part of our daily routine.

My heart remains tightly squeezed in a vice-like grip, with sadness and pain, as hospice continues to provide the comfort they are experienced to deliver, to the woman fighting like the ultimate warrior she is known to be. 

After a couple of days of suffocating sadness, I chastised myself to emerge from the depths of tears in which I had struggled to stay afloat in.  Again, I questioned myself for feeling the intense amount of pain that tore at my innards, because of my history with this family.  Our relationship - well, it's limited:  to our high school days from many moons ago;  to a few handcrafted meals delivered to the house on chemo days, to a lovely conversation with a mother about her daughter and the trials of cancer; and to simple conversations at the dance studio as our daughters ran in or out of their respective classes.  I felt guilty for feeling so much sadness for this brave woman and her undeniably strong family.

And then it hit me.  I am a momma.  A wife.  A sister.  A daughter.  A friend.  Of course, I am going to feel intense feelings, as many of us would feel about our multiple roles in this world.  How can anyone of us women fathom leaving all of these roles to someone else?  We have so much work to do!!  Who will pick up all the pieces that we effortlessly sew together on a daily basis?  When I said I put myself into her shoes last week, I literally did - as momma, as wife, as a sister, as a daughter, as a friend........no wonder I was suffocating.

However, I had a moment.....when I ran across a quote last week, of a very powerful message that was perfect for me at that precise time:

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”  Haruki Murakami

As I move on from wondering why.......as I move on from trying to figure out how to process the inevitable......I realize that there is simply a great deal of pain in this situation.  However, suffering is by choice.  For a few days last week, I suffered.  While it certainly did not seem like a choice at the time, I felt pain but I also allowed myself extended suffering. 

Suffering does no one any good - not me, not my family, not my friends and certainly not the ones truly in the imminent face of pain.  So I began to re-shift my thoughts.  I began to focus on moments - because moments are around us.......365 days a year, 24 hours a day, and every single moment of our lives.  I have no choice but to start embracing ALL of them!  Not every moment may be a "good" moment, but it is a moment nonetheless.  Some of them may include:

• Every time my four-year old pleads, "Uppy, uppy, uppy, uppy, uppy" right as I am in the midst of dinner preparation and she wants to be picked up RIGHT THEN.....is a moment.
• The summer cold I have, courtesy of my hubby, well, is likely the result of a tender kiss before work and the chaos of the day - or maybe it was that gentle smooch before bed over the squished in aforementioned four year old........is a moment.
• Driving my oldest to her umpteenth soccer practice this week......is a moment.
• Watching my son grow before my eyes.....is a moment.
• Knowing I will see my friends this weekend, and having spent last weekend in the company of friends......is a moment.

As I ran through the aisles of the grocery store last night, I realized that inasmuch as we all dislike grocery shopping, that too, is a moment.  While navigating the food-stocked walls is nowhere as pleasurable a moment as say, surging through the waves of Mayflower Beach; perhaps I am not the one to judge whether one moment is necessarily "better" than the other.  After all, they are MY moments.  (Okay, I pick the Mayflower Beach moment.  Yes, I pick the warm snuggly moments over the more trying times.  Yes, I pick a night of quiet breathing from my husband over his wall-shaking snoring.  Yes, I pick the stretchy pants over the fitted and suck-in-my-gut in pants.  Yes, I pick friends who make me snort when I laugh over the ones simply want small talk.)

At the end of the day, my heart will hurt with inevitable pain when I lose someone who has touched me, as it has reliably in the past.  I will focus on the moments that person had in his/her life.  I will promise myself, yet again, to refresh my soul in the Big Moments, the Small Moments and clearly Everything Else In Between.