Friday, December 14, 2012

To my kids on a day like today

Hi kids. Me again, a little love letter from mom.

You want to know why I am crying. You want to know why my eyes are red and swollen shut, and you also want to know where your afterschool snack is and why I keep staring off into space. You may have some questions about why I squeezed you so tight today when you came running off the bus, but that happens much more often than the red and swollen eyes.

I wish I had the words to tell you, but I don't even really want you to understand. There are some very bad people in the world and I don't want you to know about them.

I want you to keep so much light and love in your hearts and I am afraid that if you know about  them, you will lose it. You will become sad and jaded and mistrustful and scared. I have worked so hard to build your indpendence.

Just yesterday I let you walk the whole 2 blocks home from the dentist by yourselves, so proud and nervous of the accomplishment. Today, the universe seems to be telling me to never let you out of my sight. Where the hell do we go from here?

The only channel we will watch on TV today -- or maybe for the next year -- is a music station. I will not let you see the very thing that made me collapse on the kitchen floor today, the sobs escaping from me while I tried to regain my breath. The pictures of little girls -- just like you -- as they left their school in a single file line. The images I quickly shut out of my mind of what was not shown.

Why am I crying? I will probably lie to you today. I will make your snack and keep my back turned, I will sneak into the bathroom to cry from time to time.

We will have to talk about this another time.

1 comment:

  1. yeah. i was so glad my boy let me kiss him as much as he did. glad for both of us. don't know how/when/if ever i want to talk about it with him. ever. at least we know the world still has empathy. horror . good god, horror.