Black Hole – that space between the front seats of the
vehicle and the console between them.
Intense magnetic force pulls everything from French fries to lunch money
quarters to chapsticks and everything in between to the deep, cavernous and
non-reachable crevasse of your car.
Figgy Pudding – that blubbery, jiggly, stretch-marked
vastness that reaches from belly button to the southern nethers below; who
cares if it housed three beautiful children for a collective twenty-six month
period of time. Little five year old
fingers squish the goodness out of it whilst singing a made up figgy pudding
song. Lovely.
The Face – you know, THAT face…the one that children and
spouses alike know that you are one minute-millisecond away from an explosion
to rival Hiroshima. The one face that
everyone within a five mile shock zone knows that no words are needed, action
is immediately necessary and that bomb shelter may be an appropriate hide-out
for the next few hours.
Padded Cell – the one room in the house that a mother goes
for a brief ten minute sanity check: the
bathroom. Little does the family know
that when mother is in her padded cell, resist the luring desire to jiggle said
cell door handle despite an overwhelming need to do so at that moment. Any continued attempts to break into the
padded cell while a mother is in there may cause an immediate display of The
Face (re-read above to prepare for the consequences).
Grey Hair – they sprout on your head like dandelion weeds in
the heat of summer. Each time you see a
child wearing one of YOUR sacred socks.
A child bringing home the 40-Millionth fundraiser this week that matches
the same one his sibling brought home.
The husband snoring for hours on end resulting in yet another night of
missed sleep.
STFU&EI – the response you dole out when the complaints start
flying about the myriad of vegetables and healthy assortment of foods you spent
time preparing for their dinner. Of
course, that STFU&EI remains bouncing off the inner most part of your skull
while you kindly ask the family to please try it, eat a few bites and then make
them a PB&J.
Snatch – despite a Mother’s best effort to persuade a child
to order their own entrée or eat their own requested food, the acts of wee
wittle offspring deciding they want what is on the Mother’s plate. Said act of snatching leaves the Mother with
no option but to ingest the childish food; otherwise, said Mother would be
stick thin.
Cliffhanger – waking up in the middle of the night grasping
and clinging on for dear life by the mere threads of a 400 count sheet as a
tiny thirty-five pound body manages to take up 99% of the marital bed
residence.
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