Conflicted.

Contrary to what Mandy may tell you, I am not going to tell you what to do. (Yes, I am). I fall into the category of a CURVY GIRL, and I'm proud of it. (No, I am not). Okay, so already into this post you can see I am somewhat conflicted. I am a CURVY GIRL, yes, I am. I want to be a CURVY GIRL. However, according to that inappropriate BMI guide that some medical professionals use to gauge your health, I am morbidly obese. Many people look at me and flatter me with the usual compliments, "You ARE not fat!" or "You are beautiful!". However, I only hear the nurse when she weighs me at my quarterly medical visits......"Ohhhh, you hide your weight well." What the HELL does that mean? It means, I'm on the high end of what you would describe as CURVY. Using the term CURVY and stretching it to its absolute breaking point and you find me. However, I'm also doing something about it.

You see - part of my conflicted nature comes from my brain being stuck in 1989. Okay, 1990 (I just want to say I am still in the 80s.....Culture Club, leg warmers, blue mascara...oh, sorry, back to the blog). In high school, I was an All-American, All-Star runner for cross country and track. Translation: I could eat pounds and pounds of pasta and bread and whatever I wanted - and not gain a pound. I was all of 135 pounds and solid muscle. I knew back then what CURVY meant and wished that the retailers made an athletic cut pair of jeans. My waist was a size 5, but my quadriceps that allowed me to excel at my sport......well, they were CURVY.

Fast forward twenty years, yes TWENTY YEARS, okay, and my brain still thinks I'm this young, lean, mean athletic machine. Little does my brain want to acknowledge, this 38 year old body has been through three child-birthing experiences; a very professional career (aka sit on your butt all day at work); and frankly, a cancer diagnosis and the relevant treatments.

Call it the GREAT BATTLE of the B's. My Brain says to me daily, "Move it lardass!" My Body rebels furiously and screams back, "What the.......Who the HELL are you kidding?" and then violently erupts into hysterics. Now, do you see why I'm conflicted?!?

In any event, I have determined after all of these years of neglect on my body, I will do whatever I can to get myself to a new level of healthy. Obviously, my 38 years has afforded me some maturity that I do not seek to achieve an unrealistic goal weight of say, what I weighed in 1989. However, I do want to release a little tension from my pressing on the definition of CURVY. I love my curves. I want to be voluptuous. However, I do not want my three year old to look at me point blank and tell me, "Mommy, you are fat!"

I have started to reset my health. I want optimal health. Yes, I want to lose weight. Yes, I want to avoid a cancer recurrence. With that, I am eating clean (I have tips to share)! I am making it a point to fit regular exercise into a very tightly packed working momma schedule (Yes! I still sit on my rear at work)! I am trying to reduce my daily stress (Yes, I still have stress but it's all about perspective, people). I am slightly crazy, but I hope that will mean more of you come along for the ride. I promise it will be one heck of a CURVY GIRL time.