I have struggled with a post this week. Honestly, my mind is ALL over the place and I cannot seem to hone my focus in enough to collect my thoughts. I am feeling anxious about a number of things going on currently. I have yet to figure out how to tame my anxiety but figured perhaps vomiting these thoughts up onto paper may help.
My youngest is going to kindergarten in one month. How did that happen? No, seriously, I am asking you HOW....DID....THAT....HAPPEN? Just yesterday, I was bald and still weak from chemotherapy, being forced into an early labor and scared beyond my worst fears about the baby I was about to give birth to. Would she be missing toes? Would she glow in the dark from the bright red, gelatinous chemotherapy that coursed through my veins and probably across that placental barrier through her veins? Suddenly, my silly fears of a neon baby are a distant forlorn memory about to be archived for new memories of a still little peanut, with her toothless smile, boarding that giant yellow school bus to be carted off to a land of strangers. (Yes, all deliveries of tissue boxes will be accepted starting now until after Labor Day).
My oldest has been begging me to take her driving. Yes, she will be sixteen in February and she is ready to get behind the wheel and practice driving a two ton vehicle around. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? Oh, she will be the best of drivers but I have to somehow grow a pair of balls big enough to withstand the thought of my precious big girl on the road with all the other idiot drivers? Oy, where can I purchase some testosterone stat?
My middle is returning to middle school but with a newer sense of confidence. He has informed me that "swag" is no longer cool; he and his buddies are now men with "class". (Excuse me while I vomit). He has been taking longer to get ready by styling his hair....just......so. His clothes look good. He smells good. Not only are the days of footed "warm and toasty" pajamas gone, as well as the arguments to get into the shower a distant memory, sports apparel and new music take the place of Legos and dinosaurs in his room.
My anxiety resumes with those pesky things called bills. I have NOT been watering them, yet, they seem to grow from every crevice faster than bacteria on a petri dish. What....the.......will I ever get out of this umbrella of owing everyone? Hearing aids, braces, old credit cards, sports fees, taxes, taxes and more taxes, insurance, medical bills, medical co-pays, car payments, oral surgeries and more to come, when does it end????????? I am anxious about retirement monies, have we even begun to save a fraction of what we will need? How much DO we need? Who can really predict that?
The clutter. How did my house get so cluttered? Every place I look lately, I see clutter. I have been off-loading items on the online yard sale on Facebook. Craigslist is my newest best friend. How come, in two years, my house seems to resemble certain episodes of "Hoarders"?
I remind myself this is life and I am here to enjoy it. We are all present in some aspect of anxiety about ever-changing milestones and non-stop financial leashes. Anxiety is simply a state of mind and being anxious about any and all of this "schtuff" is unhealthy. With that, I am taking a deep, cleansing breath. I am setting out to enjoy one of my last Fridays off with my kids. These are the moments that count for a lifetime. Anxiety will have to wait for simply another day. Counting my blessings and embarking on making memories.