Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Full Picture

Have you ever had a dumpster? Talk about an amazing thing. It is so cleansing! So freeing. Just turn your mind off about the destruction of our planet and gooooooo. Out out out!!! I gots me an urgin' for a purgin'. Over the past year and a half we have had 3. Yes. I did write 3. I meant 3, too. 

The first time was when we decided we had to move. That was the blindly throwing out of baby stuff, toys, teddys, framed artwork from people with bad taste. It was a huge ripping off of a band aid and it was wonderful. Yes, I could have done more donating and more recycling and could have re-wet my consignment feet and tried my hand at ebay, but I didn't. I opened a vein and squeezed and bled and cleaned it out and healed. Ginny's, a local food pantry, was a recipient of the best of useful and a little league team got my best of the best of kids' stuff for their Jimmy Fund yard sale. I will receive only a small fine at the gates of recycling heaven.

The 2nd dumpster was for a couch that was 23lbs heavier than when we bought it- filled with popcorn, crayons, pennies, and urine. Goodbye. Thank you. You were awesome. You smell now. We tossed the second round of purging atop it and said good day.

The 3rd one was smaller and for when we saw we were all done with what was to be packed. That dumpster held an unexpected item that my husband threw out whilst I was elsewhere. I almost went dumpster diving for...my full length mirror.

"Where the HELL is my mirror???"
"In the dumpster", my husband said all cool faced and controlled.
"No. It was crap. I will get you a new one when we move. A better one."

We were both clear at that moment that that will never happen. It is just an expense that we will never deal with when there is so much else to do and buy. I stared at him breathing heavily.

"M'kay. Just get it out now until we move."
"No. It is crap." 
I believe he went back to reading while my chest was heaving and my left eye began it's twitch. He was so vulnerable right then. I could have ended him in seconds.

The mirror was crap. I walked it home on a hot summer Brooklyn day from an everything store. $5. I had it for 17 years. It was unglued from it's "frame" and the pressed wood and/or cardboard backing was disintegrating. But it was my full length mirror. I needed it. I couldn't get dressed without it. I couldn't try stuff on for each approaching season without crying into it and cursing it. It saved my family from the abuse. It was now in a dumpster. How would I know if the shoes I put on were helping my thick shins? Who would tell me if I had a panty line situation? Where else could I stand and turn from one side view to another to another to another to another until my girls asked me why I had to do that? 

How would I see all of me?

Well, fast forward 2 months. I still don't have one and I don't miss it. The house has a mirror that satisfies the panty line check if I stand on the kid step stool. It will do. I am relying on myself for the rest. I know how these shoes look- I don't buy shoes often. I have seen them in a full length. What is the point of looking and re-looking at myself? The shoes fit. The pants fit(ish). I am all set.

Curvy had an article posted the other day: Mirror Fasting. It also sparked the thought of scale fasting. I am a scale faster for the most part. America, I will always have a mirror to help you out. My hair can do amazing things when unchecked and my face can make a child point and whimper. I will always be looking waist up. I need my bra cups to be even with filling. No need to do the lopsided boob, hot pink lipstick out of the lip area, electric socket hair before my 6os. I need something to look forward to. We all do. But When it comes to the full picture- I think I may see myself a lot better when I don't waste my time or sully my thoughts with nit picking over what I perceive as flaws.
And frankly, everything looks great with a smile. I will just do that.

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